God, you are the most ruthless manager I know

If, I had read the title of this blog, few months ago, I would have been shocked and probably a few close friends and family would have been surprised. I would have thought ten times before penning the words down. I would have been scared of the wrath this mere action will bring. I have a very concrete reason to believe in what I am about to pen down. A few months back, I was a soul who genuinely, believed that prayers are the solution to everything. Prayers can lift you from the deepest misery. If you believed in the almighty, you can name them however you want, they will rescue you. But today, I feel I have genuinely hit rock bottom. I sincerely wonder, if you do exist.
If you do, I think I have finally come to the conclusion. You are unfair. You are extremely heartless.
You are perceived to be the ultimate controller. You are supposed to be the playwright. You power over time, control what happens every millionth of the second.You decide who gets what. You decide who survives and who doesn't. I will say this though, when I was bestowed with your blessings, a good life, a wonderful circle of family and friends, I didn't complaint. I never bothered to question the unfairness meted out to my fellow human beings. I happily devoured every piece of your blessing. I did believe, if I had 10 Mercedes, I should think about the poor kid who is starving in some other part of the world before buying the 11th. I was grateful for being born in a family which provided me with everything to the best of their ability to help me reach my potential. With every difficulty, I did utter a silent prayer saying, thank god I am not one of those millions fleeing their countries to just survive, breathe in a greener pasture. But, I don't feel that anymore. Yes, there are tons of people who might look at me and say, you are way more blessed then us. I unashamedly agree with you.

God, you are asked to manage all the resources at your disposal. You are asked to distribute it among the poor souls on the beautiful earth you created. I think that you have been the meanest manager I have come to know. If you are the most benevolent of all, why did you decide to bestow sufferings on completely innocent people. They say you work in mysterious ways. You make sure everyone gets what they deserve. I am not sure that is true anymore. I do't believe everyone is equal under your eyes. I remember reading, if everyone got everything they wanted, we would forget you altogether.
My question to you is, do you really thrive on this? The amount of injustice in this world appalls me. The measure of inequalities repels me. I think I have finally come to understand, why I was put on this earth. I was supposed to help others in some way possible. And trust me, my toe was out of the line before. You taught me a valuable lesson. Bravo! I wonder if everyone in your created world gets the same lesson. I don't see people from whom you so mercilessly take, get better things. I unashamedly received your blessings. I will not deny that. So, I have decided that I will stop asking anything from you anymore. Not a word. What I will do is, try in any small way possible, try to even out the injustice you decided to ignore. I will give this to you. You are an amazing playwright. Your sense of humor is absolutely wicked and classy at the same time. You want to eradicate egoism in the world. Don't you? But I am not sure, you set up a really good role model to us inferiors. I staunchly believe not everyone is equal in your eyes. I am struggling to come to terms to still believe in benevolence. I know for a fact that people are inherently selfish. I am still willing to help out. Ironically, I still believe in humanity. I believe people will see the truth under the right circumstances. But till then, you carry on with your works. If you want to punish me for saying these things, and show me I deserve a lesson, so be it. I am willing to get reprimanded. But, trust me I am not going to believe in you. Not anymore. And Karma, oh you will get a new post.

Love is magical, only in fiction

Couple of years ago, I wrote a post where I was younger and naive. The post was an attempt to get back at people, who didn't reciprocate my love. First and foremost, I still don't know what love is. It is definitely not what is portrayed in fairy tales and Disney movies. It is far more complex than that.
It is never the case, where you like someone with a pure heart and they realize that a pure heart is calling out. They ride the magic train, come get you and everybody lives happily ever after.
Hard lessons that I learnt over the years I wrote the now stupid post.
1. Love has nothing to do with marriage
2. Your mind makes up everything
3. Be it a crush or love it is just your nerve endings playing games with your mind
4. Hormones are equally to be blamed.
Oh tiny things don't matter. When you think that what is so perfect on paper, is never perceived so by others. Life partner, love, marriage, harmony on the surface seem to be related but I have a strong suspicion that they can be compartmentalized in such a way that they can be absolutely unrelated. Growing up is the mandatory part of life and it is only constant. You can make peace with pretty much anything in life. Time is all that matters. It will take care of everything even when you don't want it to take care of things. It chooses to be on your side, when you don't want it to. That is its specialty. If god only grants wishes in the form of what you need and not in the order of what you want, then why the bloody hell should I even make a wish in the first place? I am not angry at you god, because then I am just being a hypocrite for the nth time today. I never complained when you made good things happen in my life. I am exhausted, frustrated and cannot take any more disappointments in the name of practicality. Please tell me what is real?  How do I get over this sense of hopelessness, that amounts to nothing but again, add a layer on to my muffin top! I am sick of this state. If I recall correctly, I have been in this phase for years together now. Enough is enough. I can not put up with the wait. This is horrible than the one time I was at the Indian visa consulate in New York. If I had to put in into perspective, sorry I can't even think of a comparison. Yes it is that bad! 

What is fair and unfair

My desperation is reached its tipping point. I am not in anyway close to my goal. It is like having a ticking time bomb on my head. In exactly 25 days I will turn 29. What does it signify? What have I to show for? Have I matured emotionally? Have I reached all the regular milestones a 29 year old hits on her way? Education check, job check, those were the ones pertaining to career. Lets get to the personal stuff. Where am I? What was my status 5 years ago? I am unmarried. I don't have kids. How do I compare with other girls my age? I don't feel that I am 29. I really don't. Most of the girls in my batch are married and have kids. Ok. So that is where I am right now.

Am I close to finalizing on the guy? Do I have a fiance? No I don't. 

Any idea on what to do from here on?

Is it time for compromises?

This decision I make has to be focused on what I want for life.

Not on how to get rid of the problem in the time being.

If that is the case, how do I deal with it everyday?

I kind of got in touch with an old friend.

I used to crush on him in school.

But I forgot about him later.

Now finally I had the courage to get in touch,

to find out what? He just experienced an irreplaceable loss. I don't know if he is in a place where he could even think about me, let alone think of me as a potential wife.

What do I do? I think he is a sweetheart. But I don't know if he is even ready to start looking.

I don't know if he has already someone in mind.

Why does this process have to be so complicated?

We haven't seen each other in 13 years.

We live on opposite sides of the continent making it so hard to even sync in times to have a simple chat.

There are just so many but and if scenarios that it is so hard for me to concentrate at all.

He hardly knows anything about me. I hardly know anything about him.

I would love to know more about him. But I am not sure I have the strength in me to proceed forward with anything. I had a hard time even finding available guys. Now that after a long time I do find one,

it is almost impossible for me to get close. What is your game plan? I am sick of this. Every time I keep replacing the image with someone else. I have lost interest in this game God. I am done now. I am so happy to be just living my life. But do I have that liberty? I don't every day I get reminded on the emptiness or the fact that I haven't reached my goal yet. What is the way out. I cannot do this anymore. I am praying so hard. I am trying to surround myself with positive aura. I am trying to find a way out. I can only imagine the pain that people with real sufferings undergo, I am more ashamed on myself than ever. How do I get out of this circle? 

The heart is a terrible terrible game player. I want to get closer, but in the back of mind I always have this feeling. It has to lead to something. I am not ready for a platonic relationship. Why is it so hard for me realize the simple fact that he is a person in flesh and blood. He has his own life. A real one. With pain, suffering and healing. How can I expect from him anything? let alone love? My heart still wants him to reach out. How will he? He may not even be thinking about me at all. I know what is fair to me, is unfair to someone else. You know I have reached a point where I don't want to win anymore. I don't want to play. I resign. I quit. I am done!

 I can't live like this. This is torture. If I get a few moments of peace. I will be happy.

Truly happy. One single evening to live for myself. Living in here and now is becoming difficult. I just have to get this over with today. And tomorrow will be a better day. HOPEFULLY.

None of these quotes seem to cheer me up, it still pains

This is a letter I wish to send you, but fortunate for you, you will never get it.
It pains, and it is a horrible feeling.
I try my best to be happy for you, forgive you and move on.
I fail miserably, just the way I did in trying to earn your love, affection and care.
I have tried a million times to convince myself. I said to myself, I will get over this phase.
It is not here to say. And every time, I see the photo, I die some more.
You know why it hurts so much.
It was my very dream all along.
Every single moment that you are living with her, every one of them was mine.
You might ask, who gave me the permission to assume, that it is mine in the first place.
I honestly don't know. I believed I am the only one who can love you with all that I have.
The eternal love you so fondly speak of, was my dream. In that dream, it was you and me.
How could you behave like you knew this was not coming?
How could you lie to me? I know there are probably far worse things in the world.
There are far worse betrayals, far worse losses. But this was real for me.
I feel like someone stabbed me twice, right in the heart.
It is so hard for me to take it. The society with its eternal prejudices is unaccommodating of my dreams. I keep telling myself, I will get past this. It pains furthermore, when I realise that you will not understand in a million years, why this hurt is unbearable for me. No one will for that matter.
It is my sorrow. I will have to live with it. I pretend that this is going to take very little time get past.
But every time I think of you with her, I die one more time. How do I get past this? I try moving forward, start my search again, only to be hit twice hard. I don't feel anything anymore. I think I am tired now. I don't have the strength to stand tall and say bring it on. It is a true identity crisis of sorts. Maybe time is the answer. But I know, I have changed as a person. I don't recognize me anymore.
I will breathe, if that is what is called living, then I will most likely live.

Random Musings

For it is not the death you fear; it is the indefinite possibilities in rebirth.

I understand that you cannot afford me. Unfortunately, I am one of those that never come to the sale rack.

Superficiality can carve visceral wounds.
Sincerely,
Misplaced affections.

How strange? The most profound emotions stem from the pit of the stomach. When love so pure is callously tossed away like a baby getting kicked in its stomach. The inexplicable pang of loss, perhaps shares the womb where butterflies fluttered at the mere thought of you.

What is the fundamental difference between negative and positive emotions?
Mere arrangements of carbon molecules.

Alone it is...

I wasn't surprised when this thought crept into my mind as I got out the shower. You are really lonely when the only thing hugging you is your towel and it actually feels warm, safe and inexplicably good. Am I supposed to be ashamed on this retrospection? I don't think I am. Burden of existence is killing me. I am not going to add superlatives and GRE adjectives which I haven't used in a while, most likely because I haven't racked my brain enough to remember them. I am just downright bored. I am not going to dignify the thought anymore than it needs to be. My world has shrunk. I have a life! If happiness is just a state of mind, then good deal of sugar, carbohydrates and fats should pretty much cut it. But, then the repercussions start with a muffin top and shapeless thighs. Not on the list of potential assets when you are on the groom hunt market. How about some exercise, some dancing? Yes, they certainly help but come with a cost factor called motivation. Needless to say, it is a vicious cycle, from which I just don't seem to break loose. What state of mind am I most days? It is hard to imagine that I am depressed day in and day out. But we cannot completely get rid of that theory. Should we phase it down for better understanding. May be that will help. I look at a profile, I have my hopes raised. Then, I muster the courage to communicate with the person who put up the profile. Three possible scenarios here

1. The profile is maintained by the guy himself, reads my message and looks at my picture and chooses not to respond.

2. The profile is frequented by his parents, they read my message and look at picture and choose not to respond.

3. Be decent enough to respond with some made up reason pulled out of their hat.

In all the 3 scenarios, I have my adrenaline pumped up for no reason.

Recently, I have become so brave, which is basically the euphemism for shameless, that nothing else matters. I have taken upon myself the task to track down these prospects on other social media, and try to reach out. Last time I tried that trick, I did get a response. A very sweet reply indeed, from a guy whose parents did not like to move forward with my profile, because the guy and i share the same rasi and natchatram! Forgive me for pulling out my hypocrite hat, yes I do believe in horoscopes and astrology. But, I also believe that things can change over time, if we can make it work, why not give it a shot. We will get to that part later, so what happened after I got the reply. I reply back, happy that I even got a response and hope to god he will follow up. 2 days mount to 10 days and still no reply. This is where I am completely lost. I am willing to spend a 1000 dollars to unravel this piece of mystery. What happened overnight? Why did he change his mind? I am not trying to be a saint here. You should ask me what happens to you when you receive such out of the blue requests. Well, it depends on the wording of the interest. Yes! again a hypocrite, but believe me I have learnt it the hard way. I might reply back citing a reason, may not reply at all if it is a general message people send out on bulk.

I am just lost! I have no hopes what so ever. I am not sure how many more rejections I can handle.

I have come to understand a few nuances. Beauty is not skin deep. It is cerebral. Still trying to figure out, how to get past that roadblock. I have nothing to show for so far. It is a game, where you are being tested on how far can you hold on. It is just a matter of time before we start compromising. And till then, my mind is going to be on the quazi-depressed state. I have exhausted my options to escape this state, trust me when people say you need saving, they do know what they are talking about. I am already thinking, this might be the worst post ever. Couple of things that I wonder about

 1. How is it to be loved?

2. How is it to belong to someone completely?

3. How is it to walk on the river side hand in hand?

4. How is it look into that someone's eyes and know they understand you completely?

5. How is it to plan a wedding?

6. How is it to finally find your parents happy after a long long time?

7. How is it actually say to the world you are committed to someone?

If I wanted to write a book about my life, I am yet disadvantaged, because I still don't know what the climax is. That is not entirely true, I could still change the plot heading to a different climax. But you know an average Indian girl doesn't have that liberty. I can only dearly hope it doesn't have to get to that.

Whose death is nobler? than whom?

I saw the video early in the morning. A little girl said adieu to her brave father. Her tears reflected resilience, her pride of being born to a man who went down fighting the militants. Her war outcry sent shrivels through my body. This moment is excruciatingly painful and it is way too personal for anyone to relate to. My early formative years were spent with defense kids. My morning prayers were spent singing at least one patriotic song. How much fun and difference did that make to my schooling? I thought patriotism is something innate, speaking about India in elocution competitions came with a flare. I aced them all, I sang them all. I religiously dreamt of joining the defense in some way or the other. Never knew where my destiny changed, suddenly rote memorisation and grades were the prime focus. The feeling that if I did not become a doctor, then I might as well claim the loser prize with whatever was left of dignity. Still, my dreams of joining the defense never completely vanished. Well, I could become a defense doctor. How noble would that be? It took me decades to realize that all the fancy dreams needed incredible amount of effort to make it through. Should have I tried year after year to make the cut? No, I was a coward to step up and take the challenge head on. I was too young to make a decision on my own. The feeling of losing a year, to prepare while my brethren went to college killed me. I just didnt have it in me to stand up for what it took. When I look back, I never once in my life ever thought I would step out of the country, my motherland. What could possibly make me forsake her. Brain drain, I was vehemently denouncing that whole concept. When my friends wrote in scrap books that they wanted to make it to IIT, for that was basically a euphemism to bid adieu to the motherland and fly off to greener pastures abroad. I looked at them as sinners, who valued monetary benefit more than their own land. So what changed? Why am I among the sinners now. I cannot begin to comprehend the course of transformation that came over me. I am changed beyond my own imagination. I look at the world with a whole different pair of glasses. Is it the international exposure speaking? Why does everything look different on the other side of the line, or to be precise border? I begin to question whose life is more noble and whom should I stand up for? The Pakistani soldier who died fighting for his country or the Indian soldier who did the same for his country. Both died for a cause they believed in. Are they more noble than the policeman who went down fighting the militants in France? What about the African kid who is going to die in a few hours in the hands of a ruthless militant? Given, the kid's life is not a sacrifice per se, he can blame his misfortune for being born in a country which has to constantly fight; a deadly disease or a ruthless militant or does it even matter as lives are always at stake either ways!Now more to the sensitive question? What about the militant who thinks, he died fighting for a cause?

 The man-made territories and societies is what that makes all the difference? That brings us to the very basic question. What do their deaths have in common? All of them did make room for one more person on earth. Is this even a just comparison? Then how do we decide, whose death is noble? Whom would you pitch for if you had to? The answer might be easier, if you were related to them in one way or another.

Every birth is a miracle, every new born is clueless the commonality ends there. Lives matter, but not necessarily deaths. Why does that sound odd to our ears? May be because we are taught to sympathize and believe in the most poignantly 'presented' story to which we have deepest relations to. May be we tend to forget that all the life-stories are unique and noble in their own ways? Someone will be feeling the loss. Vantage makes the difference!