What is fair and unfair

My desperation is reached its tipping point. I am not in anyway close to my goal. It is like having a ticking time bomb on my head. In exactly 25 days I will turn 29. What does it signify? What have I to show for? Have I matured emotionally? Have I reached all the regular milestones a 29 year old hits on her way? Education check, job check, those were the ones pertaining to career. Lets get to the personal stuff. Where am I? What was my status 5 years ago? I am unmarried. I don't have kids. How do I compare with other girls my age? I don't feel that I am 29. I really don't. Most of the girls in my batch are married and have kids. Ok. So that is where I am right now.

Am I close to finalizing on the guy? Do I have a fiance? No I don't. 

Any idea on what to do from here on?

Is it time for compromises?

This decision I make has to be focused on what I want for life.

Not on how to get rid of the problem in the time being.

If that is the case, how do I deal with it everyday?

I kind of got in touch with an old friend.

I used to crush on him in school.

But I forgot about him later.

Now finally I had the courage to get in touch,

to find out what? He just experienced an irreplaceable loss. I don't know if he is in a place where he could even think about me, let alone think of me as a potential wife.

What do I do? I think he is a sweetheart. But I don't know if he is even ready to start looking.

I don't know if he has already someone in mind.

Why does this process have to be so complicated?

We haven't seen each other in 13 years.

We live on opposite sides of the continent making it so hard to even sync in times to have a simple chat.

There are just so many but and if scenarios that it is so hard for me to concentrate at all.

He hardly knows anything about me. I hardly know anything about him.

I would love to know more about him. But I am not sure I have the strength in me to proceed forward with anything. I had a hard time even finding available guys. Now that after a long time I do find one,

it is almost impossible for me to get close. What is your game plan? I am sick of this. Every time I keep replacing the image with someone else. I have lost interest in this game God. I am done now. I am so happy to be just living my life. But do I have that liberty? I don't every day I get reminded on the emptiness or the fact that I haven't reached my goal yet. What is the way out. I cannot do this anymore. I am praying so hard. I am trying to surround myself with positive aura. I am trying to find a way out. I can only imagine the pain that people with real sufferings undergo, I am more ashamed on myself than ever. How do I get out of this circle? 

The heart is a terrible terrible game player. I want to get closer, but in the back of mind I always have this feeling. It has to lead to something. I am not ready for a platonic relationship. Why is it so hard for me realize the simple fact that he is a person in flesh and blood. He has his own life. A real one. With pain, suffering and healing. How can I expect from him anything? let alone love? My heart still wants him to reach out. How will he? He may not even be thinking about me at all. I know what is fair to me, is unfair to someone else. You know I have reached a point where I don't want to win anymore. I don't want to play. I resign. I quit. I am done!

 I can't live like this. This is torture. If I get a few moments of peace. I will be happy.

Truly happy. One single evening to live for myself. Living in here and now is becoming difficult. I just have to get this over with today. And tomorrow will be a better day. HOPEFULLY.