Alone it is...

I wasn't surprised when this thought crept into my mind as I got out the shower. You are really lonely when the only thing hugging you is your towel and it actually feels warm, safe and inexplicably good. Am I supposed to be ashamed on this retrospection? I don't think I am. Burden of existence is killing me. I am not going to add superlatives and GRE adjectives which I haven't used in a while, most likely because I haven't racked my brain enough to remember them. I am just downright bored. I am not going to dignify the thought anymore than it needs to be. My world has shrunk. I have a life! If happiness is just a state of mind, then good deal of sugar, carbohydrates and fats should pretty much cut it. But, then the repercussions start with a muffin top and shapeless thighs. Not on the list of potential assets when you are on the groom hunt market. How about some exercise, some dancing? Yes, they certainly help but come with a cost factor called motivation. Needless to say, it is a vicious cycle, from which I just don't seem to break loose. What state of mind am I most days? It is hard to imagine that I am depressed day in and day out. But we cannot completely get rid of that theory. Should we phase it down for better understanding. May be that will help. I look at a profile, I have my hopes raised. Then, I muster the courage to communicate with the person who put up the profile. Three possible scenarios here

1. The profile is maintained by the guy himself, reads my message and looks at my picture and chooses not to respond.

2. The profile is frequented by his parents, they read my message and look at picture and choose not to respond.

3. Be decent enough to respond with some made up reason pulled out of their hat.

In all the 3 scenarios, I have my adrenaline pumped up for no reason.

Recently, I have become so brave, which is basically the euphemism for shameless, that nothing else matters. I have taken upon myself the task to track down these prospects on other social media, and try to reach out. Last time I tried that trick, I did get a response. A very sweet reply indeed, from a guy whose parents did not like to move forward with my profile, because the guy and i share the same rasi and natchatram! Forgive me for pulling out my hypocrite hat, yes I do believe in horoscopes and astrology. But, I also believe that things can change over time, if we can make it work, why not give it a shot. We will get to that part later, so what happened after I got the reply. I reply back, happy that I even got a response and hope to god he will follow up. 2 days mount to 10 days and still no reply. This is where I am completely lost. I am willing to spend a 1000 dollars to unravel this piece of mystery. What happened overnight? Why did he change his mind? I am not trying to be a saint here. You should ask me what happens to you when you receive such out of the blue requests. Well, it depends on the wording of the interest. Yes! again a hypocrite, but believe me I have learnt it the hard way. I might reply back citing a reason, may not reply at all if it is a general message people send out on bulk.

I am just lost! I have no hopes what so ever. I am not sure how many more rejections I can handle.

I have come to understand a few nuances. Beauty is not skin deep. It is cerebral. Still trying to figure out, how to get past that roadblock. I have nothing to show for so far. It is a game, where you are being tested on how far can you hold on. It is just a matter of time before we start compromising. And till then, my mind is going to be on the quazi-depressed state. I have exhausted my options to escape this state, trust me when people say you need saving, they do know what they are talking about. I am already thinking, this might be the worst post ever. Couple of things that I wonder about

 1. How is it to be loved?

2. How is it to belong to someone completely?

3. How is it to walk on the river side hand in hand?

4. How is it look into that someone's eyes and know they understand you completely?

5. How is it to plan a wedding?

6. How is it to finally find your parents happy after a long long time?

7. How is it actually say to the world you are committed to someone?

If I wanted to write a book about my life, I am yet disadvantaged, because I still don't know what the climax is. That is not entirely true, I could still change the plot heading to a different climax. But you know an average Indian girl doesn't have that liberty. I can only dearly hope it doesn't have to get to that.