Alone it is...

I wasn't surprised when this thought crept into my mind as I got out the shower. You are really lonely when the only thing hugging you is your towel and it actually feels warm, safe and inexplicably good. Am I supposed to be ashamed on this retrospection? I don't think I am. Burden of existence is killing me. I am not going to add superlatives and GRE adjectives which I haven't used in a while, most likely because I haven't racked my brain enough to remember them. I am just downright bored. I am not going to dignify the thought anymore than it needs to be. My world has shrunk. I have a life! If happiness is just a state of mind, then good deal of sugar, carbohydrates and fats should pretty much cut it. But, then the repercussions start with a muffin top and shapeless thighs. Not on the list of potential assets when you are on the groom hunt market. How about some exercise, some dancing? Yes, they certainly help but come with a cost factor called motivation. Needless to say, it is a vicious cycle, from which I just don't seem to break loose. What state of mind am I most days? It is hard to imagine that I am depressed day in and day out. But we cannot completely get rid of that theory. Should we phase it down for better understanding. May be that will help. I look at a profile, I have my hopes raised. Then, I muster the courage to communicate with the person who put up the profile. Three possible scenarios here

1. The profile is maintained by the guy himself, reads my message and looks at my picture and chooses not to respond.

2. The profile is frequented by his parents, they read my message and look at picture and choose not to respond.

3. Be decent enough to respond with some made up reason pulled out of their hat.

In all the 3 scenarios, I have my adrenaline pumped up for no reason.

Recently, I have become so brave, which is basically the euphemism for shameless, that nothing else matters. I have taken upon myself the task to track down these prospects on other social media, and try to reach out. Last time I tried that trick, I did get a response. A very sweet reply indeed, from a guy whose parents did not like to move forward with my profile, because the guy and i share the same rasi and natchatram! Forgive me for pulling out my hypocrite hat, yes I do believe in horoscopes and astrology. But, I also believe that things can change over time, if we can make it work, why not give it a shot. We will get to that part later, so what happened after I got the reply. I reply back, happy that I even got a response and hope to god he will follow up. 2 days mount to 10 days and still no reply. This is where I am completely lost. I am willing to spend a 1000 dollars to unravel this piece of mystery. What happened overnight? Why did he change his mind? I am not trying to be a saint here. You should ask me what happens to you when you receive such out of the blue requests. Well, it depends on the wording of the interest. Yes! again a hypocrite, but believe me I have learnt it the hard way. I might reply back citing a reason, may not reply at all if it is a general message people send out on bulk.

I am just lost! I have no hopes what so ever. I am not sure how many more rejections I can handle.

I have come to understand a few nuances. Beauty is not skin deep. It is cerebral. Still trying to figure out, how to get past that roadblock. I have nothing to show for so far. It is a game, where you are being tested on how far can you hold on. It is just a matter of time before we start compromising. And till then, my mind is going to be on the quazi-depressed state. I have exhausted my options to escape this state, trust me when people say you need saving, they do know what they are talking about. I am already thinking, this might be the worst post ever. Couple of things that I wonder about

 1. How is it to be loved?

2. How is it to belong to someone completely?

3. How is it to walk on the river side hand in hand?

4. How is it look into that someone's eyes and know they understand you completely?

5. How is it to plan a wedding?

6. How is it to finally find your parents happy after a long long time?

7. How is it actually say to the world you are committed to someone?

If I wanted to write a book about my life, I am yet disadvantaged, because I still don't know what the climax is. That is not entirely true, I could still change the plot heading to a different climax. But you know an average Indian girl doesn't have that liberty. I can only dearly hope it doesn't have to get to that.

Whose death is nobler? than whom?

I saw the video early in the morning. A little girl said adieu to her brave father. Her tears reflected resilience, her pride of being born to a man who went down fighting the militants. Her war outcry sent shrivels through my body. This moment is excruciatingly painful and it is way too personal for anyone to relate to. My early formative years were spent with defense kids. My morning prayers were spent singing at least one patriotic song. How much fun and difference did that make to my schooling? I thought patriotism is something innate, speaking about India in elocution competitions came with a flare. I aced them all, I sang them all. I religiously dreamt of joining the defense in some way or the other. Never knew where my destiny changed, suddenly rote memorisation and grades were the prime focus. The feeling that if I did not become a doctor, then I might as well claim the loser prize with whatever was left of dignity. Still, my dreams of joining the defense never completely vanished. Well, I could become a defense doctor. How noble would that be? It took me decades to realize that all the fancy dreams needed incredible amount of effort to make it through. Should have I tried year after year to make the cut? No, I was a coward to step up and take the challenge head on. I was too young to make a decision on my own. The feeling of losing a year, to prepare while my brethren went to college killed me. I just didnt have it in me to stand up for what it took. When I look back, I never once in my life ever thought I would step out of the country, my motherland. What could possibly make me forsake her. Brain drain, I was vehemently denouncing that whole concept. When my friends wrote in scrap books that they wanted to make it to IIT, for that was basically a euphemism to bid adieu to the motherland and fly off to greener pastures abroad. I looked at them as sinners, who valued monetary benefit more than their own land. So what changed? Why am I among the sinners now. I cannot begin to comprehend the course of transformation that came over me. I am changed beyond my own imagination. I look at the world with a whole different pair of glasses. Is it the international exposure speaking? Why does everything look different on the other side of the line, or to be precise border? I begin to question whose life is more noble and whom should I stand up for? The Pakistani soldier who died fighting for his country or the Indian soldier who did the same for his country. Both died for a cause they believed in. Are they more noble than the policeman who went down fighting the militants in France? What about the African kid who is going to die in a few hours in the hands of a ruthless militant? Given, the kid's life is not a sacrifice per se, he can blame his misfortune for being born in a country which has to constantly fight; a deadly disease or a ruthless militant or does it even matter as lives are always at stake either ways!Now more to the sensitive question? What about the militant who thinks, he died fighting for a cause?

 The man-made territories and societies is what that makes all the difference? That brings us to the very basic question. What do their deaths have in common? All of them did make room for one more person on earth. Is this even a just comparison? Then how do we decide, whose death is noble? Whom would you pitch for if you had to? The answer might be easier, if you were related to them in one way or another.

Every birth is a miracle, every new born is clueless the commonality ends there. Lives matter, but not necessarily deaths. Why does that sound odd to our ears? May be because we are taught to sympathize and believe in the most poignantly 'presented' story to which we have deepest relations to. May be we tend to forget that all the life-stories are unique and noble in their own ways? Someone will be feeling the loss. Vantage makes the difference! 

If breeze could whisper!

This is a favourite title that has stuck in my memory for a very long time, may be since ideas formulated in my pea brain, when I let them flow on a paper. It is funny how when I am too sad, too depressed my thoughts shape up as tears and stroll down my cheeks, ohhhh it is indeed dramatic.Now who doesnt like drama, that too a good one, a real one! It is a crime!Yes it is a crime, if I say that I dont feel blessed.I am doing injustice to all other souls who reside in this beautiful world, if I said God has been unfair to me.It is an outrageously cold lie.God has been too generous.He taught me to enjoy the lessons, life has offered.He made me believe in myself.He has made me feel strong every day, he has renewed my beliefs from time to time.He has showed me the light at the end of the tunnel.He has me march upto  the end of it, still thinking I wont be hit by the rail coming from the opposite direction.Well this part is really ture, the place I currently reside is least pedestrain friendly.And there is a narrow bridge, where there is exactly space for two cars to pass thorugh, and absolutely a half inch sidewalk.I have walked  no ran through the tunnel to reach safe sanctury.Well those are the troubles of the car free life.But to look at the brighter side, it is actually living the phrase, of walking through a tunnel, thinking there will be light at the other end.Wow that kind of lightened my mood.I feel horrible.I feel terrible at times.I am one of those victims of modernization, who has so much trouble understanding what makes me the real me.Is it my career or is it my family?Tradition and modernism are two parallel roads.You cannot meet mid way with one leg on both sides of the margin.there is big fat barrier in the middle unless you have supernatural powers of bifarcating and reassembling Yourself everytime.

I love my independence way too much.I wrapped it around myself, to get away from hurt.Now it has become a shield which threatens to place me in a cell where I am cozy and warm but shuts the doors so tight that let alone a human being; the lovely breeze cant get in.This seems ridiculous as a thought, because I will never know if it was a lovely breeze that awaited me or was it a hard thunderstorm .But this makes me feel secure.I am comfortably tucked in.I dont have regrets.Each of them taught me, left me moulded into the person I am right now.I am real.I am alive.But there a melancony which never goes aways.Intense it gets and makes me think that Iam a masochist.I love the pain.Would it let me be myself?

I let the tears roll down, sometimes noticed, at times un-noticed.I laugh aloud to make it seem (to myself and around) there is nothing that is amiss.I am good at it.I am very good at hiding the real me from others.Remember "I am untouchable".

Nothing at all!

How I wish, the breeze which caressed my tear-streaked cheeks reached the special, the  unknown, the unfound someone.

He who is meant to be.Whose kind words reassures me that I am not alone.

If only!If only, the breeze could whisper.

priya

Mr.Right (who) where are You?

So here I am! Back to my sweet little diary account.So what was it that prompted me to pop in?This time it is because

of a life theratening oops life changing event called Marriage which might be on card in my near future.Now the first question that

pops up is if I already have a person in mind whom I am dying to tie the knot and its just the trivial details of where and when that bothers.

Well it aint going to be that simple..Is it?I am in the very first step towards this blissful stage in life(I am told so).I have this great profile on the most renowned matrimony site.The robust software keeps pulling up matches and keeps suggesting I take a peek.

I did start of with a lot of enthusiasm thinking wow It can't be that bad.You have so many profiles,one of them will definitely be my guy.

Well I did speak to one such prospect.And Phew..If I could say my morale has not gone down and has instead lead me to make a short visit to my favorite passtime of all blogging..then yes all those precious hours I spent trying to know him was worth it.Well he atleast helped me figure out what kind of an individual I can never spend my lif with no matter if he has a degree from the Ivy league or is working for the top notch company.I still ponder, about this one big question.And I have a feeling , I have been thinking at a very different angle altogether.Why in God's name should I get married? Well some interesting answers would be,

I need a partner to share my successes and my sorrows.Tear-wet his shoulders when I fail.Somebody to shower all my built up love.

Well also in addition to this would be.Share my day-to-day expenses, my apartment rent,utility bills, car expenses etc.Sorry for putting it right there, but thats exactly how I feel from the practical point.I am tired of doing things on my own is a more shameless way of putting it.What about the soul who is always there for you, stands by you when your whole world falls apart, holds your arm when the whole world plots against you, kisses your forehead without any reason, kisses your lips with intentions to connect with your soul, and rests his head on your chest tyring to hear what your heart whispers?Please don not dare to ask these questions because though I have religiously been a disney fairy tale lover, its been some time that I have burst that beautiful magical bubble and started facing the real actual world.So what do you think should be my guiding parameters when I am looking for my knight-in-shining armour.Well let us stick with the knight-in-shining armour phrase as I still believe that chivalry is not dead although its need is questionable as the modern woman is perfectly capable of doing without it.I am a simple girl with just the same dreams as any other girl in regard to marriage.

Then why is it so hard to find the right guy?Being well-educated on par with you is not a demand it is a requirement.So it is a default criteria.The next thing would be how he looks.Well I have to spend my entire life with him.All that I am asking for is a friendly face who can make my lips curve and my cheeks blush everytime I think about him.How he would treat me is more important than anything else.As someone said I can't blame my father for setting up the standards high for the way I should be treated by a man.At the end of the day when I come back from a long days work, be there to smile and just politely ask, How was your day.(If you added an endearment to it you gain yourself a bonus point).Outgoing, friendly, easy-to-talk to,vibrant full of energy always looking forwar to things, in short Man-in-action.I am no cinderella in looks, I dont expect a prince charming.But I am neither from the cinders, so I can expect a decent looking guy or someone with great personality.I have forgotten about love for a long time now.I would certainly like a guy who can show me how to love again.I want a person to support me through hard ships.I want a soul to share, cherish and spread love.I want my kid to be fathered by him who makes me feel amazing.Who celebrates me for what I am.Whom I think I cannot live without.A deeper CONNECTION in all spheres.But how in the name of God do I narrow down these traits in a person in just a few phone calls is just beyond me.

People say when the time is right the whole universe comes together to make ends meet.Since I cannot come up with a better or even a counter explanation.I decide to second them.All that I can think of now and console myself is that when God made me he had a counter part designed as well.I am sure I will find him and yes I still belive in the perfect fairy tale romances.

Magic is yet to begin!!!

P.S From the mind of a sincere partner hunting soul..

Lost

Thanks to all the men who have hurt me in my wonderful life. I take it as a lesson, always helped me understand none of you deserve me, its either that the love of my life is yet to arrive who will heal every bit of my wound or God has made it a point to make me extremely strong not to be touched by silly emotions and sentiments in the long journey of life.I could lead a life all alone still managing to be happy and sound.Whatever it is I am amazed by the coldness each one of you guys have left in me to thrive.Nothing touches me any more, so thats what you call as strength.Well I am definitely strong now just missing a few vital pieces of my heart.Yes it bleeds profusely at times, but don't worry I am saving the wounds for the perfect somebody to attend and heal. That one person who can sense the pain in my eyes and make it vanish with his tenderness.All he had to say was I don't want a tear in your beautiful eyes it bothers me when I am trying to get drowned in those otherwise pools of serenity. That one person who can love me deeply enough to hurt me but still wrap me in his arms

and make me feel nothing was amiss.The one who says the right words or just silence me till I find my calm. To hold me close just with a tender gaze,whose touch can make me melt in his arms the one in whose arms I don't mind dying happily burying my sorrows love so pure and divine love so pure and divine........

Joy of small things :)

Its been ages that I wrote down my thoughts!!! Yes I do remember that I have this treaty with my smart brain that I will pen down thoughts only when the so called threshold of "feeling to express" is met.Well, apparently today is one such day!!!!! Yippee so what is that which inspired me to write?

So I did break down the shell of laziness, conquered my laid back attitude and at last sat down to pen a few lines. Hmmm let me think I just realized that I don not have a job.I am living on my minimal savings which I am afraid will run out in no time. I am hunting for a job in a country thousand miles away from my sweet homeland India, in times, where a double recession is feared.I don not own a car, I don not own any of the costly electronic goods my friends flaunt. I don not have a boy friend to come to after a long day of frustration.Matrimonial website pisses me off now and then.My heart confidently confuses my brain and vice verse.

Everyday I find someone, I know take a big step in life, a marriage announcement, career advancement, getting into family way etc etc. And where am I? Stuck somewhere, lost in the middle, searching for the next step in life! "Rejection" seems to be an annoying fan, who does not want to leave me alone.

So where is this thing called happiness?Today I was walking back home after a kind of productive day at work (a volunteer unpaid position - I was lucky enough to get into a lab-its hard times duh!) the cold wind gushing on my face, a warm streak of tear rolling by my cheek, and I suddenly shudder at the very moment. All I could say to myself was, God life is so beautiful!!!Happiness is truly a state of mind.

I am in search of stability and identity.I try to redefine myself at every walk of life.I am wary of these so called defining-individual questions like what do you do?when are you getting married?Do you have a boyfriend?Don't you drive a car?Don't you possess branded goods?

But today the walk back home was so fulfilling, so genuinely joyful. Somewhere in the heart an undefinable happiness overflowed, truly satisfying.

What is that which made me happy? I keep wondering is it the lovely chat I had with my parents in the morning?Is it their love and faith in me which keeps growing undoubtedly with each day?Is it because of the select group of supportive friends who reassure me that it is going to be fine at the end of the day? Is it the state of being independent, unflaggingly relying on myself though I know it may not be long before I started worrying about the lesser details in life?

Is it because of my worthless but yet most comforting belief, that my first love will someday reciprocate?Or is it just this simple thought, It will all fall into place one fine day?

I am in a phase of life where uncertainty fills every day religiously. I make up my mind to look forward to something good despite the fact that it will very well turn out to be just another futile one.Being motivated is in itself a job and I fight with lethargy sincerely before starting my actual job search.

Despite every other item on my list of problems, I realize that it is worth living; this beautiful life for the small joys and happiness which fill my heart every now and then.Yes I am happy right this moment.I don not care about tomorrow or for that matter the very next second. I love my life, I love the few sincere souls which have been accommodating me in their warm hearts. I know, you love me GOD. That is why I am here, fighting happily in love with my life.

movie review "poo"

Well friends it has been a long time I posted in this so called blog "well it started as my idea of fun. Recently I had an opportunity to watch this beautiful piece of art called "POO" I call it a beautiful piece of art because, I haven't come across any such movie before. First of all kudos to the writer of this novel called "veyil odu poi"(hope i got the book name right) next to the director Sasi. The name of the movie is a metaphor to the character of the lady lead which symbolizes a flower. Such a genuine portrayal of characters. It was like reading a poem. So touching but still the poignancy displayed is beautiful. Yes there is no other word to describe it. Every other way would sound as an understatement or hyperbolic. After such a long time there is a woman centered movie. Parvathy, the lady who plays Mari steals the show hands down. She has lived in the movie as Mari, flawless performance indeed. The movie makes us wonder if there is any other emotion in this world that is purer than love? It is not the romance it is not the infatuation portrayed here. It makes us believe caring for someone is the best way to reach god. Humanity lives in love and affection(unconditional) for our fellow souls. The climax made me forget to breathe for a moment. The protogonist cries before her husband as the credits roll by and you are just left wondering, are there such souls still on earth who forget anger,distress,despair,revenge every other negative feeling and still rejoice in love even when they know, the loved one in whom they vest so much of love and care was never theirs to begin with and will never be theirs to end with!