Love is magical, only in fiction

Couple of years ago, I wrote a post where I was younger and naive. The post was an attempt to get back at people, who didn't reciprocate my love. First and foremost, I still don't know what love is. It is definitely not what is portrayed in fairy tales and Disney movies. It is far more complex than that.
It is never the case, where you like someone with a pure heart and they realize that a pure heart is calling out. They ride the magic train, come get you and everybody lives happily ever after.
Hard lessons that I learnt over the years I wrote the now stupid post.
1. Love has nothing to do with marriage
2. Your mind makes up everything
3. Be it a crush or love it is just your nerve endings playing games with your mind
4. Hormones are equally to be blamed.
Oh tiny things don't matter. When you think that what is so perfect on paper, is never perceived so by others. Life partner, love, marriage, harmony on the surface seem to be related but I have a strong suspicion that they can be compartmentalized in such a way that they can be absolutely unrelated. Growing up is the mandatory part of life and it is only constant. You can make peace with pretty much anything in life. Time is all that matters. It will take care of everything even when you don't want it to take care of things. It chooses to be on your side, when you don't want it to. That is its specialty. If god only grants wishes in the form of what you need and not in the order of what you want, then why the bloody hell should I even make a wish in the first place? I am not angry at you god, because then I am just being a hypocrite for the nth time today. I never complained when you made good things happen in my life. I am exhausted, frustrated and cannot take any more disappointments in the name of practicality. Please tell me what is real?  How do I get over this sense of hopelessness, that amounts to nothing but again, add a layer on to my muffin top! I am sick of this state. If I recall correctly, I have been in this phase for years together now. Enough is enough. I can not put up with the wait. This is horrible than the one time I was at the Indian visa consulate in New York. If I had to put in into perspective, sorry I can't even think of a comparison. Yes it is that bad! 

What is fair and unfair

My desperation is reached its tipping point. I am not in anyway close to my goal. It is like having a ticking time bomb on my head. In exactly 25 days I will turn 29. What does it signify? What have I to show for? Have I matured emotionally? Have I reached all the regular milestones a 29 year old hits on her way? Education check, job check, those were the ones pertaining to career. Lets get to the personal stuff. Where am I? What was my status 5 years ago? I am unmarried. I don't have kids. How do I compare with other girls my age? I don't feel that I am 29. I really don't. Most of the girls in my batch are married and have kids. Ok. So that is where I am right now.

Am I close to finalizing on the guy? Do I have a fiance? No I don't. 

Any idea on what to do from here on?

Is it time for compromises?

This decision I make has to be focused on what I want for life.

Not on how to get rid of the problem in the time being.

If that is the case, how do I deal with it everyday?

I kind of got in touch with an old friend.

I used to crush on him in school.

But I forgot about him later.

Now finally I had the courage to get in touch,

to find out what? He just experienced an irreplaceable loss. I don't know if he is in a place where he could even think about me, let alone think of me as a potential wife.

What do I do? I think he is a sweetheart. But I don't know if he is even ready to start looking.

I don't know if he has already someone in mind.

Why does this process have to be so complicated?

We haven't seen each other in 13 years.

We live on opposite sides of the continent making it so hard to even sync in times to have a simple chat.

There are just so many but and if scenarios that it is so hard for me to concentrate at all.

He hardly knows anything about me. I hardly know anything about him.

I would love to know more about him. But I am not sure I have the strength in me to proceed forward with anything. I had a hard time even finding available guys. Now that after a long time I do find one,

it is almost impossible for me to get close. What is your game plan? I am sick of this. Every time I keep replacing the image with someone else. I have lost interest in this game God. I am done now. I am so happy to be just living my life. But do I have that liberty? I don't every day I get reminded on the emptiness or the fact that I haven't reached my goal yet. What is the way out. I cannot do this anymore. I am praying so hard. I am trying to surround myself with positive aura. I am trying to find a way out. I can only imagine the pain that people with real sufferings undergo, I am more ashamed on myself than ever. How do I get out of this circle? 

The heart is a terrible terrible game player. I want to get closer, but in the back of mind I always have this feeling. It has to lead to something. I am not ready for a platonic relationship. Why is it so hard for me realize the simple fact that he is a person in flesh and blood. He has his own life. A real one. With pain, suffering and healing. How can I expect from him anything? let alone love? My heart still wants him to reach out. How will he? He may not even be thinking about me at all. I know what is fair to me, is unfair to someone else. You know I have reached a point where I don't want to win anymore. I don't want to play. I resign. I quit. I am done!

 I can't live like this. This is torture. If I get a few moments of peace. I will be happy.

Truly happy. One single evening to live for myself. Living in here and now is becoming difficult. I just have to get this over with today. And tomorrow will be a better day. HOPEFULLY.

None of these quotes seem to cheer me up, it still pains

This is a letter I wish to send you, but fortunate for you, you will never get it.
It pains, and it is a horrible feeling.
I try my best to be happy for you, forgive you and move on.
I fail miserably, just the way I did in trying to earn your love, affection and care.
I have tried a million times to convince myself. I said to myself, I will get over this phase.
It is not here to say. And every time, I see the photo, I die some more.
You know why it hurts so much.
It was my very dream all along.
Every single moment that you are living with her, every one of them was mine.
You might ask, who gave me the permission to assume, that it is mine in the first place.
I honestly don't know. I believed I am the only one who can love you with all that I have.
The eternal love you so fondly speak of, was my dream. In that dream, it was you and me.
How could you behave like you knew this was not coming?
How could you lie to me? I know there are probably far worse things in the world.
There are far worse betrayals, far worse losses. But this was real for me.
I feel like someone stabbed me twice, right in the heart.
It is so hard for me to take it. The society with its eternal prejudices is unaccommodating of my dreams. I keep telling myself, I will get past this. It pains furthermore, when I realise that you will not understand in a million years, why this hurt is unbearable for me. No one will for that matter.
It is my sorrow. I will have to live with it. I pretend that this is going to take very little time get past.
But every time I think of you with her, I die one more time. How do I get past this? I try moving forward, start my search again, only to be hit twice hard. I don't feel anything anymore. I think I am tired now. I don't have the strength to stand tall and say bring it on. It is a true identity crisis of sorts. Maybe time is the answer. But I know, I have changed as a person. I don't recognize me anymore.
I will breathe, if that is what is called living, then I will most likely live.

Random Musings

For it is not the death you fear; it is the indefinite possibilities in rebirth.

I understand that you cannot afford me. Unfortunately, I am one of those that never come to the sale rack.

Superficiality can carve visceral wounds.
Sincerely,
Misplaced affections.

How strange? The most profound emotions stem from the pit of the stomach. When love so pure is callously tossed away like a baby getting kicked in its stomach. The inexplicable pang of loss, perhaps shares the womb where butterflies fluttered at the mere thought of you.

What is the fundamental difference between negative and positive emotions?
Mere arrangements of carbon molecules.