Alone it is...

I wasn't surprised when this thought crept into my mind as I got out the shower. You are really lonely when the only thing hugging you is your towel and it actually feels warm, safe and inexplicably good. Am I supposed to be ashamed on this retrospection? I don't think I am. Burden of existence is killing me. I am not going to add superlatives and GRE adjectives which I haven't used in a while, most likely because I haven't racked my brain enough to remember them. I am just downright bored. I am not going to dignify the thought anymore than it needs to be. My world has shrunk. I have a life! If happiness is just a state of mind, then good deal of sugar, carbohydrates and fats should pretty much cut it. But, then the repercussions start with a muffin top and shapeless thighs. Not on the list of potential assets when you are on the groom hunt market. How about some exercise, some dancing? Yes, they certainly help but come with a cost factor called motivation. Needless to say, it is a vicious cycle, from which I just don't seem to break loose. What state of mind am I most days? It is hard to imagine that I am depressed day in and day out. But we cannot completely get rid of that theory. Should we phase it down for better understanding. May be that will help. I look at a profile, I have my hopes raised. Then, I muster the courage to communicate with the person who put up the profile. Three possible scenarios here

1. The profile is maintained by the guy himself, reads my message and looks at my picture and chooses not to respond.

2. The profile is frequented by his parents, they read my message and look at picture and choose not to respond.

3. Be decent enough to respond with some made up reason pulled out of their hat.

In all the 3 scenarios, I have my adrenaline pumped up for no reason.

Recently, I have become so brave, which is basically the euphemism for shameless, that nothing else matters. I have taken upon myself the task to track down these prospects on other social media, and try to reach out. Last time I tried that trick, I did get a response. A very sweet reply indeed, from a guy whose parents did not like to move forward with my profile, because the guy and i share the same rasi and natchatram! Forgive me for pulling out my hypocrite hat, yes I do believe in horoscopes and astrology. But, I also believe that things can change over time, if we can make it work, why not give it a shot. We will get to that part later, so what happened after I got the reply. I reply back, happy that I even got a response and hope to god he will follow up. 2 days mount to 10 days and still no reply. This is where I am completely lost. I am willing to spend a 1000 dollars to unravel this piece of mystery. What happened overnight? Why did he change his mind? I am not trying to be a saint here. You should ask me what happens to you when you receive such out of the blue requests. Well, it depends on the wording of the interest. Yes! again a hypocrite, but believe me I have learnt it the hard way. I might reply back citing a reason, may not reply at all if it is a general message people send out on bulk.

I am just lost! I have no hopes what so ever. I am not sure how many more rejections I can handle.

I have come to understand a few nuances. Beauty is not skin deep. It is cerebral. Still trying to figure out, how to get past that roadblock. I have nothing to show for so far. It is a game, where you are being tested on how far can you hold on. It is just a matter of time before we start compromising. And till then, my mind is going to be on the quazi-depressed state. I have exhausted my options to escape this state, trust me when people say you need saving, they do know what they are talking about. I am already thinking, this might be the worst post ever. Couple of things that I wonder about

 1. How is it to be loved?

2. How is it to belong to someone completely?

3. How is it to walk on the river side hand in hand?

4. How is it look into that someone's eyes and know they understand you completely?

5. How is it to plan a wedding?

6. How is it to finally find your parents happy after a long long time?

7. How is it actually say to the world you are committed to someone?

If I wanted to write a book about my life, I am yet disadvantaged, because I still don't know what the climax is. That is not entirely true, I could still change the plot heading to a different climax. But you know an average Indian girl doesn't have that liberty. I can only dearly hope it doesn't have to get to that.

Whose death is nobler? than whom?

I saw the video early in the morning. A little girl said adieu to her brave father. Her tears reflected resilience, her pride of being born to a man who went down fighting the militants. Her war outcry sent shrivels through my body. This moment is excruciatingly painful and it is way too personal for anyone to relate to. My early formative years were spent with defense kids. My morning prayers were spent singing at least one patriotic song. How much fun and difference did that make to my schooling? I thought patriotism is something innate, speaking about India in elocution competitions came with a flare. I aced them all, I sang them all. I religiously dreamt of joining the defense in some way or the other. Never knew where my destiny changed, suddenly rote memorisation and grades were the prime focus. The feeling that if I did not become a doctor, then I might as well claim the loser prize with whatever was left of dignity. Still, my dreams of joining the defense never completely vanished. Well, I could become a defense doctor. How noble would that be? It took me decades to realize that all the fancy dreams needed incredible amount of effort to make it through. Should have I tried year after year to make the cut? No, I was a coward to step up and take the challenge head on. I was too young to make a decision on my own. The feeling of losing a year, to prepare while my brethren went to college killed me. I just didnt have it in me to stand up for what it took. When I look back, I never once in my life ever thought I would step out of the country, my motherland. What could possibly make me forsake her. Brain drain, I was vehemently denouncing that whole concept. When my friends wrote in scrap books that they wanted to make it to IIT, for that was basically a euphemism to bid adieu to the motherland and fly off to greener pastures abroad. I looked at them as sinners, who valued monetary benefit more than their own land. So what changed? Why am I among the sinners now. I cannot begin to comprehend the course of transformation that came over me. I am changed beyond my own imagination. I look at the world with a whole different pair of glasses. Is it the international exposure speaking? Why does everything look different on the other side of the line, or to be precise border? I begin to question whose life is more noble and whom should I stand up for? The Pakistani soldier who died fighting for his country or the Indian soldier who did the same for his country. Both died for a cause they believed in. Are they more noble than the policeman who went down fighting the militants in France? What about the African kid who is going to die in a few hours in the hands of a ruthless militant? Given, the kid's life is not a sacrifice per se, he can blame his misfortune for being born in a country which has to constantly fight; a deadly disease or a ruthless militant or does it even matter as lives are always at stake either ways!Now more to the sensitive question? What about the militant who thinks, he died fighting for a cause?

 The man-made territories and societies is what that makes all the difference? That brings us to the very basic question. What do their deaths have in common? All of them did make room for one more person on earth. Is this even a just comparison? Then how do we decide, whose death is noble? Whom would you pitch for if you had to? The answer might be easier, if you were related to them in one way or another.

Every birth is a miracle, every new born is clueless the commonality ends there. Lives matter, but not necessarily deaths. Why does that sound odd to our ears? May be because we are taught to sympathize and believe in the most poignantly 'presented' story to which we have deepest relations to. May be we tend to forget that all the life-stories are unique and noble in their own ways? Someone will be feeling the loss. Vantage makes the difference!