Lost

Thanks to all the men who have hurt me in my wonderful life. I take it as a lesson, always helped me understand none of you deserve me, its either that the love of my life is yet to arrive who will heal every bit of my wound or God has made it a point to make me extremely strong not to be touched by silly emotions and sentiments in the long journey of life.I could lead a life all alone still managing to be happy and sound.Whatever it is I am amazed by the coldness each one of you guys have left in me to thrive.Nothing touches me any more, so thats what you call as strength.Well I am definitely strong now just missing a few vital pieces of my heart.Yes it bleeds profusely at times, but don't worry I am saving the wounds for the perfect somebody to attend and heal. That one person who can sense the pain in my eyes and make it vanish with his tenderness.All he had to say was I don't want a tear in your beautiful eyes it bothers me when I am trying to get drowned in those otherwise pools of serenity. That one person who can love me deeply enough to hurt me but still wrap me in his arms

and make me feel nothing was amiss.The one who says the right words or just silence me till I find my calm. To hold me close just with a tender gaze,whose touch can make me melt in his arms the one in whose arms I don't mind dying happily burying my sorrows love so pure and divine love so pure and divine........

Joy of small things :)

Its been ages that I wrote down my thoughts!!! Yes I do remember that I have this treaty with my smart brain that I will pen down thoughts only when the so called threshold of "feeling to express" is met.Well, apparently today is one such day!!!!! Yippee so what is that which inspired me to write?

So I did break down the shell of laziness, conquered my laid back attitude and at last sat down to pen a few lines. Hmmm let me think I just realized that I don not have a job.I am living on my minimal savings which I am afraid will run out in no time. I am hunting for a job in a country thousand miles away from my sweet homeland India, in times, where a double recession is feared.I don not own a car, I don not own any of the costly electronic goods my friends flaunt. I don not have a boy friend to come to after a long day of frustration.Matrimonial website pisses me off now and then.My heart confidently confuses my brain and vice verse.

Everyday I find someone, I know take a big step in life, a marriage announcement, career advancement, getting into family way etc etc. And where am I? Stuck somewhere, lost in the middle, searching for the next step in life! "Rejection" seems to be an annoying fan, who does not want to leave me alone.

So where is this thing called happiness?Today I was walking back home after a kind of productive day at work (a volunteer unpaid position - I was lucky enough to get into a lab-its hard times duh!) the cold wind gushing on my face, a warm streak of tear rolling by my cheek, and I suddenly shudder at the very moment. All I could say to myself was, God life is so beautiful!!!Happiness is truly a state of mind.

I am in search of stability and identity.I try to redefine myself at every walk of life.I am wary of these so called defining-individual questions like what do you do?when are you getting married?Do you have a boyfriend?Don't you drive a car?Don't you possess branded goods?

But today the walk back home was so fulfilling, so genuinely joyful. Somewhere in the heart an undefinable happiness overflowed, truly satisfying.

What is that which made me happy? I keep wondering is it the lovely chat I had with my parents in the morning?Is it their love and faith in me which keeps growing undoubtedly with each day?Is it because of the select group of supportive friends who reassure me that it is going to be fine at the end of the day? Is it the state of being independent, unflaggingly relying on myself though I know it may not be long before I started worrying about the lesser details in life?

Is it because of my worthless but yet most comforting belief, that my first love will someday reciprocate?Or is it just this simple thought, It will all fall into place one fine day?

I am in a phase of life where uncertainty fills every day religiously. I make up my mind to look forward to something good despite the fact that it will very well turn out to be just another futile one.Being motivated is in itself a job and I fight with lethargy sincerely before starting my actual job search.

Despite every other item on my list of problems, I realize that it is worth living; this beautiful life for the small joys and happiness which fill my heart every now and then.Yes I am happy right this moment.I don not care about tomorrow or for that matter the very next second. I love my life, I love the few sincere souls which have been accommodating me in their warm hearts. I know, you love me GOD. That is why I am here, fighting happily in love with my life.